Mitt Romney Leads Call for Poor Americans to Pay More Taxes to Avoid Delays in Air Traffic

And Other News That Didn’t Happen – But Might

On the sequestration front there was this.

San Diego (AP) Former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney led a bi-partisan group of wealthy people in demanding that taxes be raised on people making less than $30,000 per year to reverse the cut in air traffic controllers and eliminate the delays they caused in flights.

“We had no idea that federal spending benefited anyone other than those greedy, shiftless worthless 47% takers” said Mr. Romney standing in front of furious private jet owners whose takeoffs had been delayed by an average of 3 minutes because of the sequestration. 

On the gun legislation front

Insane Asylum – Tupelo, Ms (UPI).  The Association of Homicidal Mental Patients today announced that their test program to determine if their members could buy assault weapons was 100% successful.  “Thanks to Congress we found that even men and women who had a history of mass murder attempts and a diagnosis of complete mental incapacity were able to purchase the weapons with no problems, no questions asked.” 

When asked how the group would retrieve the weapons from the test customers the President of the group said “Uh, we didn’t think about that.  Say do you know where they sell Kevlar vests near here.”

On the health care front

Washington (Reuters) – The House today voted to make health care illegal for poor people.  “Anyone whose income is less than 130% of the poverty level will lose all access to physicians, clinics and hospitals” said a group of House Conservatives.  “Since these people cannot afford health care, or if they can they shouldn’t have it because they are not working hard enough or earning enough money we think legally they should just be denied access.  This will free up resources for the rest of us and make health care more affordable for those of us like members of Congress who have government provided health insurance.”

When asked if children would be included in the ban, a spokes person said that “Well, they would feel left out if we didn’t include them in the ban.”

On the European austerity policy front

Frankfort (CNN) – German leaders today reacted to news that the economic research that supported their program of austerity, misery, degradation and imposed poverty was bogus by saying “We really don’t care.  Our goal was to appease our voters and to re-establish Germany as a nation that brings misery to the rest of Europe.  While we don’t conquer countries anymore, we can still destroy their economies with misguided economic policy.”

                    When asked about their motivation several German ministers said “Hey we’re  Germany, it’s what we do.”

On Harvard’s reaction to the news that two of its economists produced flawed research

Cambridge (Boston Globe) – The head of the economics department at Harvard was just informed that the highly touted research of Reinhart and Rogoff that was the intellectual basis for economic policy to keep debt below 90% of GDP was riddled with errors, and in general is a total embarrassment to the economic profession.  Attempts to reach the head of the department were rebuffed and a department secretary said “This is the Harvard Economics Department, we don’t speak to mere newspeople.  Also, our professors don’t make mistakes, it’s the real world that is wrong.”

However when pressed for a comment the secretary referred the press to a first year econ major, Liv Salender who said “I came to Harvard because they are always right, and also because my dad gave the physics department $10 million to buy a small atomic weapon.”