Penn State Says Sandusky Abuse Settlements Will be Paid By Insurance Company

Ever Wonder How They Purchased That Insurance? – Here’s a Look See

[Editor's note:  The following may be considered to be highly offensive.  You have been warned.]

Penn State University is in the process of settling massive claims against it, claims that appear to be entirely justified as a result of the University’s failure to prevent Assistant Football Coach Jerry Sandusky from sexually assaulting young men.  The University has issued a statement saying the costs will be borne by the University’s insurance policy. 

Penn State spokesman David LaTorre declined to comment on negotiations. He said six civil suits have been filed against the university by alleged victims of Mr. Sandusky. Penn State has said settlements would be paid by the university's insurer. 

We admit we didn’t know you could get insurance for this sort of thing.  Here’s how we think the negotiations to buy the policy might have gone.

Penn State Officials:  Hi Mr. Insurance Agent, we’d like to purchase a special insurance policy that will protect the University in case we are guilty of allowing sexual assault of young men on the campus.

Insurance Agent:  What! Why would you allow such a thing?

Penn State Officials:  Well we wouldn’t.  If such a thing happened in the dorms or in the classrooms we would take immediate steps to stop it.  But you know, it is always possible that such attacks could take place with a member of the athletic department, so we need to be protected?

Insurance Agent:  Why would a member of the athletic department be a different case?

Penn State Official:  We run an absolutely squeaky clean operation, no NCAA violations and we need to maintain that reputation.  If we found out, say, that an Assistant Football Coach was attacking boys in our athletic facilities we would have to make sure the public didn’t learn of that.  Think what would happen to our reputation.

Insurance Agent: But wouldn’t that be aiding and abetting a crime?

Penn State Official:  Well sure, but what is more important here, the continued operation of the football program or the safety and welfare of children.  We are not doing this for ourselves, we are doing it for the children, that is, the children who are fans of Penn State.  The children whose lives are destroyed, well we feel badly about that but that’s a small price for them to pay to preserve the integrity of Penn State’s athletic department.

Insurance Agent:  But if we had to pay out, it could be tens of millions.

Penn State Official:  Don’t worry, we will have all of the football staff working non-stop to cover up any incident and we will make sure nothing gets reported. And if it does, well, who are they going to believe, a bunch of kids who are highly disturbed from being assaulted, or us, the President and senior officers of the University and the revered coach of  our football team.

Insurance Agent:  Well, I still don’t know.

Penn State Official:  Don't worry, heck we have a guy now we think is doing some pretty awful things but nobody is going to say anything because they know our fans and supporters would attack them if they did.  Even the head guy in our program is not concerned.  He just reports to us and then says nothing.

 Insurance Agent:  Well, it still doesn't seem right.

Penn State Official:  How about two season tickets on the 20 yard line and a free beer?

Insurance Agent:  Okay!  Here's your policy.  Sign here.