Republicans in Virginia Want Only Caucasian Male Judges; J. P. Morgan Chase Wants to Increase Bonus to CEO Jamie Dimon; Germany Thinks Greece Should Have a Bake Sale and Garage Sale

And Other News That Didn’t Happen, but Could Have

In Virginia Republicans refused to confirm the appointment to a judgeship of an openly gay individual because they believed he could not be a fair and impartial judge, because he was gay.  (It is a well confirmed point that openly gay people are bigoted and prejudiced.  No wait, that's the characteristic of anti-gay people).  After this successful effort to bar the man from the bench, Republicans in Virginia announced that from now on they would only confirm judges who were Caucasian males.

“Women cannot be counted to rule fairly in a trial involving a man and a woman” a spokesperson said, “and it is well known that African American judges always rule in favor of African Americans and against white people, while a male Caucasian judge is fully capable of acting fairly”. 

It was unconfirmed that Mitt Romney was thinking about not taking a position on the issue, but that he might reconsider and take both positions.

After it was revealed that J. P. Morgan Chase lost $2 billion in a set of complex financial transaction, the Board of Directors decided to reward CEO Jamie Dimon with a $10 million bonus.  The rationale that the Board gave was that Mr. Dimon prevented the bank from losing $5 billion, and therefore in their minds he saved the bank $3 billion and deserves commendation and a big bonus.

Legislators in Utah, Mississippi and Alabama have banded together to propose a program of eliminating general elections, and having the winner of the Republican primary for any office declared the winner of the general election.  According to officials this would save taxpayer money from having a general election where the outcome was already known.

Attempts to reach Democratic Party officials for comments were not successful, as no Democratic party officials could be found in any of the three states.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel went on record today favoring a new economic program in Greece.  She thinks that if Greece has a weekly bake sale, the proceeds from those wonderful Greek pastries will be enough to save the Greek economy and offset the billions of reductions in social programs that she is demanding of Greece.  If the bake sale didn’t completely work, she said, then a garage sale would certainly bring in more than enough money.  For this reason Germany has maintained it will not budge from its insistence on more austerity for Greece.

General Motors has determined that advertising on Facebook was not effective and that they company would not longer waste advertising dollars buying ads on Facebook.  Facebook executives responded by saying General Motors would be ‘de-friended’ on the site and would no longer be invited to spend money on useless items and games delivered by the site.  GM stock rose on the news.

In East Fork, Idaho Jackie Helmitz is running for city council.  She is a strong conservative and running on a platform to totally eliminate the government of East Fork.  Ms. Helmitz went to the post office last week and was surprised to received a check for $17, 356,722.91 as a campaign contribution from the Karl Rove PAC. In the accompanying letter Mr. Rove apologized for not being able to send more, and said that if Helmitz did later require more funding he would ask some of the more wealthier contributors to his PAC to help, as they had felt $17million+ was just not large enough for them to get involved with.

Newt Gingrich was hospitalized briefly, suffering an acute case of Lack of Attention and Withdrawal of Media Fawning Syndrome symptoms.  Hospital officials said they were able to treat the condition by promising Mr. Gingrich that he could be among the first moon colonists.